What Being Poly has done to Enrich my life
I have been “out of the closet” as a polyamorous person for
about 6 years now. During this time I have had many ideas and fantasies of what poly would do
for me, but what it has brought me most was a surprise to me and not what I
expected. Then again, since I’m really more of a community person and I spend
my life seeking community I should not have been surprised.
One thing being openly poly has given me is the freedom to explore my true
connections with someone and not make it more or less of it than it really is
or rush into anything. This process has given me a close network of very
intimate friends more than a network of lovers. I have come to really
enjoy this and it gives me a better perspective on my attractions to people. I
tend to find a few people here and there that I get pretty fixated with
and attracted to each year. If I were
single with most of these folks then I might try to pursue a relationship with
them, but since I am not single, and am secure in my current relationships, I
really have no strong drive to jump into another sexual relationship with
anyone unless it is right and has some good potential for a lasting
future. I also do not want to make anyone uncomfortable along the
way. For this I have no issues waiting
until we are all sure about what we want and feel about each other and have
that based on better information and knowledge of who each other truly
is. This gives me time to connect better as friends and see how or if we
really do connect. What I find though this is that as I get to know them better
the fixation usually wears off and I learn why a relationship with them would
not be a good idea. I also get to learn
a good healthy place to be with them. Sometimes though it leads to a very
good and close friendship because the process allows me to be more honest and
close than is normally considered acceptable. And on even rarer
occasions... well never mind.
So what poly actually gives me is not so much the
opportunity to have multiple lovers, but the opportunity to connect deeper and
more real with folks that grab my attention without any imposed barriers on
where it could go that normal monogamy would have. That process allows me to enjoying being openly affectionate and
flirtatious with folks who I am attracted to without feeling the need to go
further in a way that is healthy and non threatening to current partners while
I figure out what/if I do really want from them (all with open communication
and consent from all parties of course). In the process and ONLY because I am taking my time, I can find
the true and best balance with that person. It also allows me more real
and safer connections. If I were doing the serial monogamy thing I might end up
with more intimate relationships with folks that I probably should not go there
with, and may have to back track later to find a healthy place to balance. But since I have the freedom to explore the
reality with no pressure for more, then a more real and appropriate connection
can come from it. The reality is my fixations usually wear off as I get
to know them better and I end up with closer friends than if there were no
possibilities in the first place since I already have a partner. Often what comes out of this is a great and
close friend not only for me but for my other partners as well. Perhaps in this
way as well I end up with a community of close friends with community being the
key word not a few shallow friends and a partner/lover.
Hawker
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