What is
Polyamoury to me.
Poly, to
me, means that we are free to love as our heart guides us without repercussions
and guilt. It came easy to me because
jealousy is not an emotion I have ever felt with partners or in relationships
(I do have other types of jealousy). It
acknowledges that each of us have different needs and one person, most likely,
can't speak to all of them. Poly allows us to have different partners who can
each speak and fulfill different sides of ourselves. It means we don't have to force someone to be what he or she is
not in order to meet all our needs. If
that person doesn't speak to a need, we can still love them for what they are
and accept that that other side of our selves will identify with someone
else. I see only half a degree of
separation between partners and strongly bonded platonic friends. In turn that is only half a degree from
friends. The line from friend to
partner is a blurred line and not solid.
I guess that means I subscribe well too much of the Stranger in a
Strange Land "Water Brother" concept, though I have issues with the
patriarchal leanings of the book.
I tend to
form two types of partners. One is the
strong, secure, independent, intelligent partner. She is very capable, and has
much to share, teach and give. She is
my equal and we grow together as equals in all ways. She doesn't "need" me or anyone, just likes to have
someone who feels like she does around.
She tends to be close to my age, education level, and income. These people tend to be long-term partners
in some way and continue to be close friends if the relationship ever
dies. They usually have trouble
bringing out my silly spontaneous "free side" as they speak more to
my intellectual side than my creative side.
If they don't become sexual partners they become my closest family. I sometimes get board with this type of
partner or take them for granted because they are too much like me.
The other
type of usual partner for me is usually slightly younger, slightly submissive
and more "artsy". They tend
to speak to my more creative side. They challenge me to be "younger"
introduce me to new ideas, thoughts and ways to be by challenging my idea of
the status quo. In addition they tend
to bring out my more silly side. While this partner usually has the most to
teach me I often loose patients with them because they are not where I am at in
life (especially if they are much younger than me). What I have to learn from this partner is how to relax and accept
what is without judging it.
Some
history of me and Polyamourous relationships.
I have had
several “Ploy like” experiences over the years that didn’t work out mainly
because we didn’t know we could openly be this way and we knew not what
Polyamoury was. No one was hiding anything but we were not openly talking about
it as it was either. Eventually that changed.
Without covering every instance (there are many) I want to cover some
major ones in my life.
My first
exposure to anything poly was while I was traveling and living in my van about
14 years ago. I met a wonderful woman
and traveling partner who seemed to be heading in many of the same directions
as me. We traveled together and became lovers. Since we were both traveling we
didn’t want to get too close. In
addition she had another male partner “back home”. This never bothered me and so the relationship continued off and
on for several years. Eventually, since
she was bi, she wanted to bring another woman into the relationship. The mistake we made is that the other woman
and I didn’t have time to get to know each other well or discuss things until
well after she was brought into bed with us. This led to all kinds of
confusion, as we didn’t know how we should relate to/with each other – should
we be sexual with each other – together – what? Our mutual partner clearly wanted that but we had not had time to
develop our own relationship with each other nor knew if/what we wanted from
the other. The “other woman” also had
another male partner who wanted to join and we didn’t know how/if to do
that. I am still good friends with that
person but the whole thing died at the time because we didn’t know how to
openly discuss what was happening. We were left with memories of a few awkward
sexual moments and that was it.
While
still dating the partner I just mentioned I met another woman. I felt that relationship had a serious
future (I thought I met a future wife – silly me) and I did not know poly was
an option so I closed the first relationship amicably. This new relationship
only lasted a few months but created a very strong friendship bond that lasts
to today. After the relationship ended
and we had time we realized we still loved each other and wanted to be near
each other but not date. We got adjacent apartments and worked at strengthening
our friendship. As we each grew in and
out of relationships we became “friends with options”. She eventually married and the “friends with
options” continued. Her husband was openly “cheating on her” and she and I
became lovers and “club friends” when she needed connections that she couldn’t
get from her husband. We all three knew
openly and were o.k. with each other seeing the other but we couldn’t openly
admit and discuss it. The sexual part
of the relationship ended when I met the woman that would eventually become my
wife. She knew about the arrangement
but was not o.k. with it. She
originally met us because the “husband” fell for her but she and I ended up
together.
This new partner
ended up being my wife for about six years.
We had a relationship that was close but difficult in many ways. I was never sexually fulfilled from my wife. In fact it was the worst sexual relationship
I have ever had. At the time I attributed it to medical (endometriosis – and
the fact that she was a very tiny woman) issues with my wife. Lack of fulfilling sex quickly led me to
wandering eyes. I tried to be open with
my wife about my desires to seek sexual fulfillment elsewhere even though I
loved her very much. She was not o.k.
with that. The process of discussing my predicament with others led me meeting
many open women via Rainbow Gatherings. Towards the end of the marriage I
finally acted on this with one of these women for a short while but ended it
because I knew my wife would not be o.k. with it. It was my wife who finally met another woman and brought her into
the relationship through her discovery and admittance that she was either bi or
more lesbian but still wanting me. It
was this woman who introduced us to the word Polyamory. Finally I had a word and a defined lifestyle
that spoke to what I had been feeling all my life. This single word opened up a whole new world and way of
being. At last I could be the way I
felt inside and openly discuss it. I
didn’t have to pretend it wasn’t happening or that I didn’t love multiple
people. I could have other lovers who
met other needs and still be loving to my wife. Alas this relationship was quickly bound for disaster. I found myself fine with my wife dating
other woman (or men), but seriously disliking the particular woman she
chose. This led to the other woman
working to remove me from the picture.
This was all coupled with my wife finally admitting to herself that she
was a lesbian and not bi or heterosexual.
This helped to explain the sexual issues in our marriage but also caused
great resentment that she had been sleeping with a man all this time when she
didn’t even like men. The marriage
exploded with a bang and she remains the only serious partner of my life that I
have not remained good friends with.
Out of the
ashes of divorce arose the phoenix and the phoenix was Poly. I came from the ashes bound to go forward
with a new way of being. No longer would I try to get all my needs from one
partner and hence be frustrated when they would not speak to one side of
me. I could form stronger friendships
with no worry about where they would go or not. It was a great weight lifted from me. I had a continual friendship with an old lover from high school;
we dated through all of high school but were not ready for marriage at the
time. Over the years we often spoke of
getting together but it never happened. Her current partner was fine with poly
and she was wanting what he could not give. We had a few good weeks together
and then she decided she could not deal with the concept of poly. Still to this
day we are great friends and of and on lovers as we struggle to find a stable
place in this world for our love for each other. The next stop was the the
Rainbow Gathering where I found many old female friends wanting to tell me
about poly lifestyle and just waiting for my marriage to end. After rainbow I went off to visit two of
these poly woman out west. I thought I
was clear with both of them that I was interested in expanding a friendship but
nothing more at the moment. One woman
(R) received me with greater expectations.
She planed an elaborate weekend with her male partner, a female love
interest (T) (but not yet partner), and me.
The weekend ended up with her male partner and I becoming good friends
and the other woman (T) and I becoming lovers (and we still are to this
date). This all blew up when this
friend (R) couldn’t deal with the fact that we were not interested in her but
were in each other. She played herself
the perfect poly person, but couldn’t handle a relationship that didn’t include
her. She also would not admit to either
of us (but did to her friends later) that she had any further interest in us.
It ended with me having one new lover and one less friend.
Meanwhile
back home I had been becoming interested in a local woman. She was very
different than the one I met out west but I was also attracted to her as
well. This was to be the first big test
of would another woman be open to a poly relationship. I knew my partner out west was very
experienced in poly and all would be fine as long as I remained honest and open
in my communication, but this person I didn’t know. When to I tell her about the other person? How do I bring it up? These were all new ideas. Anyway I eventually was open about my other
partner and while she wasn’t crazy about the idea she attempted to “tolerate
it”. Early on this relationship was a bit rocky as she came to accept that my
interest in others in no way diminished my love for her. In the first few years she didn’t really
desire for there to be a poly relationship and I hade come to learn that she
doesn’t think poly at all. This made moving forward difficult at best and I
found myself not sharing where I want because I knew it could upset the one
partner. It also kept the other partner
more distant than either of us would like out of respect for the local
partner. Through all this there have
been moments that she thoroughly enjoyed about it and moments where it bring
her to an emotional wreck.
As time
moved on and our relationship became more secure these issues began to subside.
My partner learned that my interest in others in no way meant I felt any less
of her. She also began to understand my feelings of Poly fitting into my
desires for community. The ideas became
more comfortable as she learned of my interests and desires and shared some of
her own desires. Together we formed a
definition of poly that shared the values and desires of each of us and not
just those of myself. In the mean time my interests have shifted more from
looking for individuals and Long Distance Relationships to seeking connections
thought community and hoping that we can meet a couple that we both resonate
with. I feel that a relationship with a
couple would be easier and more comfortable than V relationships.
And this
brings us up to early 2006.
Hawker